I was pretty sure that I was going to own February, having smudged at the appropriate times with Sage, and synced my phone so I could be an affirmative state of mind during the apex of the recent spate of once in a lifetime cosmic events. I thought for sure I had ironed out those little kinks that had prevented me in the past from once and for all sticking the landing, so I was chagrined to see that not only were they still there – the proverbial dishes in the sink following enlightenment – but even more amplified, like the Gary Larson cartoon of the side view mirror with the enormous eye : Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. My default loop of old stories, ideas about who I am and a cap on how good I’ll let me life be, bad habits like too small shoes that I will still try to get away with wearing once in a while because in their painful, small way – I know who I am in them. My take on 2018: Trying to navigate sans integrity or consciousness is a dicey affair, and one that seems predestined to blow up in your face at some point. #paulmanafort
In Five Element Theory, Winter is the time of deep waters, of listening, of stillness. If the Elements were a board of directors, and if its functioning properly, your Minister of Resources would be the one fielding calls from your Visionary Party Girl (Summer): “So, hey Minister, so, I have this amazing idea and I want to make sure we have the funds and people to realize it.” You’re supposed to not have all the answers in winter. You’re just supposed to be asking questions and resting up to embody the green, spring, warrior energy of on your marks…go!
Why then am I surprised to find myself so deeply steeped in unknowing here in late February? The optimistic bulbs frozen in mid air, and me, likewise in kind of time lapse moment myself and so I bow to your ability to transport your family to sunny or snowy places during mid-winter break. Any kind of complex travelling involving apps and barcodes, passports, visualizing ground transportation options, coordinating the grooming and shopping would be just too much for me right now. I have friends who can just power through with grace and humor and style all the mandated occasions to celebrate, making all inclusive memories with their children involving sand and tiki torch lit feasts along the water’s edge with culturally identical performances look like a trip to Whole Foods, but not me, not this year. I’m finding myself processing fear like I’ve never felt fear before. Out of the blue, unearthed issues clogging my aura and clouding my vision. Yes, I am a teensy bit adrift, and it’s so cold, so I’m even less prepared, spiritually to withstand what shows up in me when faced with the ripped and tan optics of your family zip lining over the jungle canopy, or pink cheeked and hearts pumping engaged in snowy hijinx, I haven’t been on Instagram since November 9, 2016. I keep psyching myself up to get back on, but I feel a little like merging onto the autobahn on an electric bicycle. I have to be really mindful so I don’t get flattened. Baby steps.
What’s the sitch, Sarah? Every day is it’s own ecosystem. We wake, like Bill Murray in Groundhog’s Day, to the same song, and make a sequence of choices that will inform our outcomes. I know exactly what I should do to make my life sing, but there is so SO much information to process at the moment, so many things I can worry about that I took the fact of my phone choosing to update right at the moment I was reaching for it to set my meditation timer, that today would be a day, where I skip that pesky 20 minutes of nothingness and instead of have coffee and sit down and make a mark. Mortgaging the day ahead to capture the fire in my head, the desperation to DO outweighing the known fact that starting a day with meditation ALWAYS makes the day better. What to prioritize in a world that is both sizzling and drowning, and then just beyond that, or within us is the exit to a situation that is better than we could of have imagined. Some kind of kung fu Feng Shui seems required to at once incinerate old stories and ways of being meant to keep you small while normalizing a healthy practice that populates your days and nights with experiences and people that are better than you could have imagined. Normalizing manifesting experiences that are better than you can imagine. Or, as my mantra from Packing for Crazy Town: “Surprise me Baby.”
I turn to my real time cyber touchstone, the Power Path forecast and check in about the energies for February and read this:
“We are competitive instead of cooperative and our measure of success is based on comparison instead of personal satisfaction. We have become a society where our hearts can’t keep up and our adrenals are shot. We are almost never in present time always worrying about the future and trying to stay in control and ahead of the game with hypervigilance and the effort caused by overworking.
We have an opportunity here to examine how we have been living our lives and to begin to make some changes in our attitudes, beliefs, relationship with time and our fear of not being enough. Complete change will not happen overnight, however you will see results that are almost magical if you begin to practice an alternative way of approaching your life and your action.”
And, so I as I leave you here to grab my shoes to meet up with my Shaman BFF for a walk in the woods, I see for me that I must turbo charge my Gratitude practice, get off the wheel, and commit to a ten day spring detox as my way of getting back to that place of practicing being in HOLY AWE instead of Holy sh^t!
Lets. Do. This. xosla